1 Peter 3:15 says, "Sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give a reason for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence." This verse is more or less the battle cry of Apologetics. I've heard it from sunday school teachers, youth pastors, parents, speech coaches, and speech competitors.
I have said, more than once, that of all the speech events I've competed in, Apologetics is the one I have spent the most time on, and the one I value the most. Why? Because the hundreds of hours I've spent on apologetics carry over into the rest of my life. I'm learning to make a defense for what I believe.
So why is this post called, "While Angels Weep"? Well, the answer is in the poem, by one of the greatest apologists of his time.
The Apologist's Evening Prayer
by C.S. Lewis
From all my lame defeats and oh! much more
From all the victories that I seemed to score;
From cleverness shot forth on Thy behalf
At which, while angels weep, the audience laugh;
From all my proofs of Thy divinity,
Thou, who wouldst give no sign, deliver me.
Thoughts are but coins. Let me not trust, instead
Of Thee, their thin-worn image of Thy head.
From all my thoughts, even from my thoughts of Thee,
O thou fair Silence, fall, and set me free.
Lord of the narrow gate and the needle's eye,
Take from me my trumpery lest I die.
I love C.S. Lewis. I love his writing style, his poetry, his fiction, his life story, the wonderful answers he offered for his faith. And this poem, I really love this poem, because, though I am not the great apologist of the century, I can relate. I've had days when I fall on my knees because I should have given an answer, and I didn't. Days when thoughts seem to get stuck somewhere between my brain and my tongue, and my words are as stale and flat as the rootbeer that was opened eight hours ago. When I've been challenged by someone who tells me "The Bible doesn't really say...." and I have no answer until after I get home and search it out. I fail, and I come crawling back to my Savior, because they are His words and His answers that I have failed to present clearly. I turn to Him, because I failed to give an answer to those who asked me.
It's easy to understand the need for God's grace in our failure to give an answer, but I've learned that we need His grace even more in the excellent answers we give. I think my biggest problem is the days when I don't fail verbally. When I know that I need God's grace and call out to Him to make up for my failings, I remember that it is "Not by might, nor by power, but by [His] Spirit" (Zechariah 4:6) that I act. But when I win, I pat myself on the back. Suddenly my mindset shifts, and I'm doing it through my my might, my power, and my spirit. No matter how solid the answers I give are, I fail as an apologist when I've put my confidence in myself. Thoughts are but coins, but it is so easy to trust them instead of the God who gave us the ability to have thoughts. We put our trust in ourselves, in the shiny coins of our thoughts, rather than the God whose image we bear.
I've never been one to give up an argument, I've had arguments (silly arguments) that lasted for months because I refused to back down. Never backing down is a good thing when it comes to truth. Unfortunately, I let my argument tendency sneak into my apologetics. I get so focused on winning arguments, that I forget why I'm arguing. I get a triumphant feeling when I out-talk someone and give answers that everyone listening is impressed with, or when I give an excellent apologetics speech. Then I realize that those answers were for my glory, not the furthering of God's kingdom. And while audiences laughed, (or sat back impressed, or commented on the quality of my speech, or how well I know my Bible), angels wept at my arrogance. God didn't call us to win arguments, He called us to win souls. And when winning souls, there are times when silence is the best answer. Not long ago I had a conversation with a friend of mine whom I disagree with, and at one point I found myself literally placing my hand over my mouth, because I knew that the words that really wanted to come out of my mouth were not God's words, but mine. To my shame, I've had many other conversations when I chose not to place my hand over my mouth, but instead, to give the reasons that I considered the other person to be wrong, and I built a wall instead of a bridge. I didn't follow the calling in 1 Peter to make a defense with gentleness and reverence.
I'm an "Apol-Girl." I have a neatly organized box, full of neatly made cards, which have neatly organized answers, that I take with me to tournaments. Why? Because I'm training myself, I'm teaching myself the answers to what I believe. I'm learning why I believe what I believe. I have a safe environment where I can go into a room and after four minutes, give an answer for what I believe to a panel of three judges. I've had some real life experiences to defend what I believe to the people who disagree with me and give them an answer as well. Someday, I'm going to give an answer to God for my words and the motives behind them. I've had apologetics rounds where I went into that room aiming for a high ranking, and that was all. I gave an excellent speech in those rounds, but as I gave that speech all I was thinking was, "I have to do better than at least four of the people in this room to make it to finals." I've done that more than once. I've gotten knocked out in semis, and I've made it past semis. I'm not going to say that my mindset determines whether or not I break. Sure, there have been times when it's been a factor, but whether or not I do well isn't the point. The point is, I decided to pursue those shiny coins, rather than the One whose image they bear. And one day, I will be called to answer for that. For now, I can simply ask for grace to try again.
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